While there are many variations and versions of the marriage or commitment vows across the spectrum of cultures and religions, the traditional Western one speaks of a couple committing to each other until they irretrievably separate by just one event namely, death.
Longevity has given rise to another intervening, although usually undesired, impact on that original commitment, namely dementia.
Centrelink has identified this development in one class of age pensioners it describes as being ‘separated by illness’. Commonly, that illness is dementia. Its impact on a elderly couple can often mean that one of them is no longer able to meet the care and support needs of the other member who then enters residential aged care. The outcome results in separation – one stays at home and the other moves into another ‘home’ by force of circumstances.
But could dementia also cause the separation, or even divorce, of another couple? Is there a potential flow on effect?
Here’s a poignant scenario that I was involved in during my legal career:
- Sam and Sue were in their early 60’s and had been happily married for many years.
- Each of them had lost one of their parents some years ago and each of their surviving parents had been living alone and independently ever since. They were both in their 80’s and on age pensions
- As chance would have it, their parents each experienced a medical event only 2 months apart such that they each needed care and support
- Sam and Sue were both keen to have their respective parents move in with them but not both parents
- Neither parent could afford residential care with their own resources unless they were prepared to live somewhere far away from their children.
The ‘issue’ began to bubble, gurgle and ferment.
It was exacerbated by the need for each of the couple to constantly visit and spend overnight stays with their respective parents.
Without descending into the subsequent series of events and disintegration of their relationship, suffice to say it resulted in the couple’s separation and later divorce.
There are so many messages to take from this sad scenario. The clear one that stands out is the failure of the couple to see the writing on the wall and seek some outside assistance to resolve their parents’ needs and the underlying tension impacting on their own relationship.
THINK MEDIATION.
Contact Brian Herd today on 0403 577 459 on email brianherd53@gmail.com
