We are all born single but, in adulthood, relationships arise and singlehood is lost. In later life, however, life comes a full circle and many of us will become single again.
Our traditional understanding of what it is to be ‘single’ usually denotes someone who is not in a relationship or more harshly, alone. In later life however, becoming single again, is nuanced.
In my years of experience in elder law, the variations on these circumstances of later singlehood include:
- Death
- Very few couples will die on the same day – one will survive the other
- Divorce
- Divorce is increasing amongst the older generation
- Displacement
- Separated by circumstance e.g., one enters residential aged care
- Disinterest
- Separated but never divorced
- Living apart together
- Living together but leading separate lives
- ‘Compactos’
- Combined features of ‘companion’ and ‘de-facto’
- Living together apart
- Living separately but still ‘together’.
Each of them comes with complexities and consequences, legal, financial and personal.
The one I want to address is death.
The adjustment required on the death of a partner particularly after a long and fruitful relationship, can be monumental and, in some cases, insurmountable. It is affected significantly by personality, interests, how the couple lived their lives and how they addressed the ‘division of labour’ in the management of their relationship.
Perhaps one of the more poignant examples of the latter factor was an elderly woman who I acted for after the death of her husband many years ago. After sending her my bill, she promptly forwarded a cheque in purported payment of it with the amount, date and payee completed, but the cheque was not signed. When I rang her to raise it with her, she was astounded to discover that it needed to be signed. That told me much about who managed the finances in their relationship.
Many learned social and academic researchers, particularly in more recent times, have published findings on the impact of a partner’s death on the surviving partner. Broadly speaking, they include:
- Depression
- Isolation
- Frustration
- Reluctance to adjust or to complain
- Loss of routine and familiarity
- Social retreat and loneliness
- Stress arising out of the need for decisions
- Decline in health
- A sense of being overwhelmed
- Reluctant reliance on others.
- A ‘surrender’
- Fear of change
To this constellation of foreboding, however, we should add the countervailing offerings and solutions provided by helping organisations wrapped in positive exhortations to the suddenly singles to ‘carpe diem’. It is well intentioned and, in many cases, effective, in overcoming the darker clouds of being alone.
But perhaps the most potentially impactful force that arises at this time is the increased incursion of the broader family into the older person’s life. This is particularly where caregiving starts emerging as an issue where adult children start to see warning signs to various degrees or no warning signs at all.
- When both parents lived together and there was some comfort in the thought that they could look after each other, but when the surviving becomes alone, the thoughts can ferment into concern
- Childrens’ doubts about how their sole parent will adjust to the change of life – they are not trained for this and are very reactive
- Children have differing views about broaching or discussing the issue for fear of unlocking disagreement and the more insidious enmities and jealousies of the children towards each other that simmered for years
- The law creates an artificial hierarchy of status where, for example, one or two of the children are decision makers, being Enduring Powers of Attorneys, and eschew the need for consultation or discussion with other family members and tend to rule like a benevolent dictatorship
- Parental resistance and denial
PS – Don’t mention the parents-in-law
For the parent and the family, this is a new experience even though they may have witnessed the same scenario in other families – now it is at their front door
In this transition, a parent can suffer from a subconscious fear of the future translating to a conscious avoidance or even denial of its significance. For adult children they share a similar subconscious fear and a conscious avoidance of confronting the fear. The parent ends up in waiting mode and the children in watching mode. All are proceeding to a crisis and a family flailing and ultimately failing.
Much scepticism can surround people who parade themselves as futurologists. But I have a new respect for them when it comes to later life. Experience gives an insight into the future when it comes to human fate.
Here my experience tells me that information is power when, being at least aware in advance, of the future issues from later life transition, arise,
I use an agenda to help the family discuss and inform themselves of these issues.
It’s helpful for a family to gain confidence about meeting the issues that arise and avoiding the family from transitioning from strain to fracture.
If you would like to discuss your family situation, or help to make plans for your ageing parent, contact Brian Herd – Elder Mediator and Facilitator using our website contact form or contacting Brian on 0403 577 459.
