I used to think that, in some respects, an only child was blessed, if not, just lucky.
On the face of it, they would be the sole apple of their parents’ lives. That usually had its benefits, both during their parents’ lives and on their deaths.
Most likely the child never considered the consequences for them in their parents’ later lives when they faced frailty and dependence. The only child then becomes the lonely child. Left to themselves without the support of any siblings, and perhaps with their own families to consider, they were exposed to the trials and tribulations of their parents’ needs, all alone.
But it could be worse.
Max and Monica had been happily married, apparently, for over 38 years and retired. Each of them was an only child. They each had one surviving biological parent and one surviving parent-in-law. Both of them were in their mid 80’s and in relatively poor health although they still lived alone.
As night follows day, each of the parents was declining and in need of increased support and care. Max suggested to Monica that his mum move in with them. Monica was less than enthusiastic both because she harboured a mild, recessive dread about living with her mother-in-law and, in any event as she responded to Max, ‘What about my mum?’.
The scenario exposed the unenviable clash of priorities for Max and Monica leading to a festering tension and a later blow up in their own relationship. To cut a long and unedifying story short, much to the objection of the parents and Max and Monica, the parents were assigned to residential aged care and Max and Monica’s marriage ended in divorce.
This family implosion reveals two failings, particularly of Max and Monica.
First, a failure, common to most of us, to recognise and address the almost inevitable challenging events that our ageing parents will present to us when we avoid confronting this issue in advance of that ‘C’ Change or crisis.
Second, even when the tensions emerged, to seek a resolution rather than stand on their dig, beat their chests and feed the tension.
Max and Monica became too subjective and heavily invested in their, and their mum’s interests, with no insight into the maelstrom they were entering. They could have done with some objective input or dare I say, help, to see the wood from the trees and find a way out of the impasse. Mediation may have been the obvious choice. Statistically, such a choice has a great track record of success.
Who would have thought that, in their later years, our parents could be a spark for the ending of our own relationships.
